The (Not So) Awesome Threesome
by OutToGarden
Summary: Rejected by their crushes, the awesome trio decides to have a threesome to relieve their sexual frustration. The only problem is that they just aren't attracted to each other. Fail!sex ensues


"We should just fuck each other."

That was the proposition that had started the whole thing. They had simply been sitting around and drinking at America's house in Virginia after an unsuccessful weekend trying to woo their respective crushes when Prussia had the brilliant idea that since their love interests were all being difficult, they should just take out their sexual energies on each other.

"Um," America said nervously. "I don't think that's really something I would be into."

"Me neither," chimed in Denmark. "You guys are great buds, but I've never had the urge to have sex with either of you."

Prussia scoffed. "Excuse me? It's not like I go around fantasizing about your flat ass and weirdly gelled hair. I just thought that since we are all still single and frustrated that it would be a good idea to…work together," he explained with a smirk. "But if you aren't awesome enough to handle a threesome, I can just take my beer and go elsewhere."

"Dude, don't take the beer!" America exclaimed as he wildly (and a bit drunkenly) sprung from his seat to stumble over to his coffee table where multiple packs of beer were perched and wrapped his arms around them protectively. "Why can't we just get smashed and call it a night?"

"Because I want sex!" Prussia wailed. "And you said it yourself. England won't put out, Norway is doing some creepy shit with his trolls, and Hungary was too busy listening to Austria play his piano. So that leaves us to find other ways to get our satisfaction. I see no reason to not take advantage of our current availability."

Denmark looked thoughtfully between his two friends as he reclined further into America's armchair. "Maybe…but wouldn't it be kind of weird? The three of us have been friends forever and fucking certainly isn't something that's ever crossed my mind."

"Yeah, not to mention that we all have romantic feelings for someone," America pointed out, still hovering over the beer in case any rash moves were made to take it away.

"Look, it doesn't matter," Prussia said, beginning to pace around the room in a restless fashion. "It would just be sex for the hell of it and if it would make you two feel better, you can pretend to be doing it with England and Norway."

The room was silent for a moment as the idea was considered. Prussia did have a point in that they were all frustrated and still painfully, incredibly single. Not two days ago, the three of them had all agreed that they were going to finally make the moves on their respective crushes and end the weekend by getting laid. Unfortunately, their plan hadn't factored in the possibility of rejection.

"That could work," Denmark eventually said. "Just a one-time thing that we'll probably later pretend never happened."

"Hold on," America said as he popped open a new beer can. "I need to get drunker for this."

"Cheers to that!" Denmark bellowed, lifting up the can he had been nursing for the past few minutes into the air before tilting his head back and taking several gulps, effectively draining the remaining liquid.

Prussia cheered from his position in the middle of the room, motioning for America to toss him another can from their stockpile. "Okay. Let's do this! America, it's your house. Where do you wanna fuck?"

"Woah woah, why do we have to do it immediately?" America complained. "I just said I had to get drunker for this to happen!"

"Why not now?" Prussia challenged. "I'm horny and I don't see a reason to wait until later. Just chug another can and you'll be fine."

"I vote that we do it anywhere besides a bed," Denmark offered.

"No one asked you!" America snapped, doing his best to quickly finish off the can as instructed.

"Dude, no need to be so hostile," Prussia said amiably as he strolled across the room to throw an arm around the blonde's shoulders. "Just because your rejection was the harshest doesn't mean you can get your thong in a twist."

"That doesn't even make sense, bro," America grumbled. "But I do agree that we shouldn't do it in a bed, especially because this is my smallest house and I actually use them all. I don't need to desecrate my sleeping areas."

"Why don't we just fuck right here?" Denmark suggested as he gestured around the living room. "There's a sofa, two chairs, a table, and plenty of floor space to use."

Prussia clapped his hands. "Awesome! Okay, America, drop your pants and bend over the coffee table."

"What the fuck!" America spluttered, coughing up the beer that had just rapidly shot down his windpipe without his consent. After taking a few moments to recover, he glared at the albino and shrugged his shoulders harshly to dislodge the arm still resting there. "No! _You_ bend over!"

"I don't really care what the two of you do," Denmark said as he rose from the armchair, "but I refuse to stick my dick in anyone. I'm saving that for someone special."

"Dude, just say that you're saving it for Norway and keep the gay flowery talk to yourself," Prussia said with a roll of his eyes.

"Like you're any better!" Denmark countered. "I overheard you just the other week telling Hungary how you really admired her dedication towards 'framing her lovely face with a fresh flower' for such a long time."

"That was just to get into her pants!" Prussia said quickly.

"Which you failed at," America reminded him, continuing to chip away at their beer stockpile.

"Whatever, both of you failed, too."

"The difference is that America and I may actually have a chance in the future," said Denmark.

"We're getting off topic!" Prussia shouted, waving his hands around as if to dispel the derailment of his intentions. "We need to discuss exactly how we are going to do this."

"Well, Denmark doesn't want to top, so I say that I should fuck you," America gestured to Prussia, "and you can fuck him."

"That is so not happening," Prussia said firmly. "The Awesome Prussia does not take it up the ass from _anyone_."

"You aren't even a country anymore," Denmark reminded him. "America's plan makes sense seeing as he is a leading world power."

America put a hand on his hip and swayed to the side, looking far too smug. "That's right."

"I don't give a shit how powerful his country is! I'm not letting someone that makes neon-colored baked good penetrate my ass."

"Hey!" America protested. "You loved that cake!"

"He's right," Denmark confirmed. "I remember that. You ate so much that your piss turned green. Then again," he turned thoughtful, "that could have just been the copious amounts of Dutch drugs you consumed."

"Fuck both of you," Prussia pouted as his two friends snickered. His forlorn expression became salacious as he took in his own words. "Actually, yes. Fuck both of you. That's what I should be doing right now, but for some reason we are still all standing around and talking about cake."

"You know," Denmark mused, "Now that I think about it, I really don't want to bottom either. Can I just give someone oral?"

"Sure. Give Prussia head while I do him from behind."

"I told you that's not fucking happening!"

"Why don't the two of you flip a coin for it?" Denmark suggested.

Prussia and America eyed each other for several seconds before seemingly coming to a mutual decision.

"I'm heads," they said at the same time, glaring as if the other had committed an unforgiveable offense.

Denmark rolled his eyes as he wandered over to America's kitchen and fished a nickel out of one of the drawers. "I'll flip it. Heads means America tops, tails means Prussia tops."

"No! I don't want to be tails!" Prussia complained. "That's too much of a bad omen about the results!"

"Too bad," Denmark said flatly. He placed the coin carefully over his thumb on his fist, allowing the digit to suddenly flick sharply upwards and dislodge the nickel. The trio watched the coin as if entranced as it rose a couple feet into the air while performing a series of flips and then began its descent, finally coming to a rest in Denmark's outstretched palm. They waited with bated breath as he curled his fist around the coin and slapped it onto the back of his other hand, slowly withdrawing to reveal which side it had landed on.

Prussia immediately cheered and did a victory dance around the room while America groaned and deflated.

"You know what that means, bitch!" Prussia whooped. "Drop your pants, America!"

America glared at the celebrating ex-nation before turning angrily on Denmark. "Do it again! Best two out of three."

"Sorry America," Denmark said in a voice that clearly displayed that he couldn't care less. "It doesn't work that way. You lost fair and square and now Prussia gets to top you."

"Alright, alright," Prussia said, calming down slightly and putting his hands on his hips cockily. "I think, to fulfill the set demands, it would be easiest if you went over there," he pointed America over to an empty expanse of wall, "and braced yourself against the wall with your hands. I can fuck you from behind; Denmark can suck your cock and rub himself off. Sound like a plan?"

"I don't like this plan," America complained, never one to give in to being ordered around.

"Too bad," Prussia snapped, having already moved over to the wall and started unbuckling his pants. "Get over here, the both of you."

Denmark sauntered over without hesitation, kneeling down directly in front of the wall and leaving room for America to take his place in front of Prussia. America hesitated, taking one final swig out of his beer can for good luck before following and standing in his place.

"I can't believe we are doing this," he muttered, slipping out of the gym shorts he had put on in preparation for a night of lazing about. Prussia wasted no time in grabbing America's hips and repositioning him to be close enough to Denmark.

"Oh wait, dude, where's your lube?"

"Shit, um, I think it's in my room," America responded. "Hang on, I'll go get it."

When he returned, unopened bottle of lube in hand, he gave it to Prussia and resumed his position with two hands against the wall to brace himself and made sure to aim his crotch directly into Denmark's face.

"Hey, genius, you're still wearing underwear," Denmark nagged, pulling irritably at the starch white fabric covering America's nether regions.

"Pfft!" Prussia spluttered, struggling to contain his laughter. "What the hell are you wearing?!"

America felt his face burning red. "Hey, shut up! Okay, I'll admit, sometimes England'll come over and starch them for me, but it's not like I ask him to!"

"Does he stitch your name onto the elastic, too?" Prussia sniggered. His only response was more blood rushing to the surface on America's face, making the answer clear enough. The two Europeans could no longer contain their laughter, cackling and wiping the occasional tear from their eyes.

"No wonder you can't get laid, America," Denmark commented after he finally got himself under control. "Your love interest is too busy playing the part of your fucking grandmother."

"Whatever!" America exclaimed as he reached down to hurriedly rip off the offensive garments and fling them into a hidden corner. "Let's just get on with this."

Prussia hummed, looking over the two friends in front of him. As much as he wanted to start relieving his sexual frustration and tap the ass that was being presented to him, there was one crucial problem.

"None of us are hard."

The observation came from Denmark, still crouching on the floor and warily regarding the flaccid freedom cock that was dangling in front of his face.

"Well maybe we would be if we were actually attracted to each other or if we were doing something besides standing around," America scoffed, glancing back to confirm that Prussia was as limp as he was.

"Well we can't exactly _stop _just standing here until I'm at least turned on enough to shove this somewhere," Prussia said as he pointed to his dick.

"This was your idea," Denmark reminded him. "We were the ones that thought it wouldn't work."

"Oh it's going to work!" Prussia determined. "All we need to do is find something to get us horny enough to have a threesome."

"Sooo…we could watch porn for a while?" America suggested.

"That seems like a good solution to me," Denmark agreed.

"I'm in," Prussia said, throwing the bottle of lube onto the coffee table and going over to where he had left the bag containing his laptop. Once he had extracted the computer, he went to sit in the middle of America's sofa and patted the spots next to him.

Denmark and America both retreated from their positions by the wall, neither paying much attention to the fact that they were all naked from the waist down.

"Okay," Prussia began as he booted up his laptop. "I've totally got the most awesome porn sites bookmarked on my browser. We'll all be hard enough to fuck in no time."

"I still feel like this is kinda pointless," America chimed in. "I mean, none of us are even into this, so why are we bothering?"

"I already told you, I want sex!" Prussia declared as he pulled up his internet tab.

"Your floppy five centimeters says otherwise," Denmark teased.

"Fuck you."

"You were supposed to be fucking _me_, but you couldn't even get that one right."

"Nice one," Denmark said as he high-fived America across Prussia's lap.

"Haha, you two are so hilarious. Can we get to the porn watching now?" Prussia grumbled.

"Sure, sure," America said amicably as he settled down and glued his eyes to the screen, only to recoil in horror as the screen loaded to show two very full assets jiggling around on a woman's chest.

"Ew!" Denmark and America said simultaneously. Prussia looked between the two of them, noting the disgust on their faces with confusion.

"What's your problem?"

"I'm gay!" Denmark said, pointing an accusing finger at the screen. "I can't get turned on by boobs!"

"Me too!" America agreed as he covered his eyes. "Dude, change it! You're the only one of us that likes girls!"

"Oh, sorry," Prussia said sarcastically. "I forgot I was hanging with a couple of fairies." Clicking the 'back' button on his web browser, he modified his search to something that would be more suitable to his friend's needs.

"Says the guy who wanted to have an all-male threesome," America grumbled, recovering from the trauma to his eyes as a new screen loaded to show two muscular men, one with the other on his lap and both sporting impressive erections. "Oh, this is a little better. I'm not really into muscular dudes, though."

"Me neither," Denmark agreed.

Prussia rolled his eyes. "I should've known considering who you both spent the weekend trying to fuck." Clicking a side-link that promised the image of two slightly slimmer males, he waited impatiently for the internet to move faster. "Dammit America, why the fuck does your connection suck so hard?"

"It's cheap," America said brightly.

"Well it's too cheap you skimpy bitch! Now it's going to take like five hours for this stupid video to load!"

"Don't get upset, man," Denmark said peaceably, clapping a hand onto Prussia's tense shoulder. "See? It's already starting!" he said as he pointed at the screen, which was indeed showing the image of two men in the back of a pick-up truck heavily making out. The trio fell quiet in favor of taking in the lean bodies as they were stripped. The video was fairly short, so the pacing was quick and it wasn't long before one of the guys was pinning the other down and thrusting his tongue into what was probably in reality a rather loose hole.

"I think I've seen this one before," America said suddenly.

"You need to get out more," Prussia commented as he took his own cock into his hand and started pumping lazily to speed up the process.

"Woah, don't jack off on my couch!"

Prussia looked to the bespectacled nation in bewilderment. "Why not? The faster I get hard, the sooner we can be having sex."

"Yeah, but…but," America protested weakly.

"Plus, we're going to be doing it in your living room and our bare asses are already sitting on your couch," Denmark provided.

"I guess," America relented, turning his eyes back to the screen upon hearing obscene moaning. "Mmm yeah, bone him good."

"Damn, he really just _took _him, didn't he?" Denmark asked, impressed.

"That's kind of the point," America stated. "That's how we do it in the land of the brave!"

"This is English porn," Prussia commented, eyeing the description at the bottom of the video with amused interest as he worked over his burgeoning erection. America paled and coughed, pretending as if that fact wasn't turning him on. It occurred to them all briefly how sad they looked from an outside perspective: three grown men so lonely that they were sitting on a couch watching porn together and masturbating, but they shoved the thought aside and tried to justify it with the fact that they were all about to have sex.

"I think I'm ready," Prussia said as the combined efforts of the video and his hand took effect. "We should get back into position quickly before my boner starts flagging."

"Agreed," Denmark and America both said, rising from their spots on the sofa and treading back over to the wall as they waited for Prussia to shut down his laptop and follow suit. America was sure to spread his legs wide so that Prussia and Denmark could both have easy access and waited until he could feel the silver-haired man's warmth at his back.

"Fucking finally," Prussia said, grabbing the lube and popping it open. "The space between 'let's fuck' and actually fucking should be smaller."

"It would have been if any of us had any attraction to each other," Denmark stated, grabbing a handful of both America's prick and his own and rubbing so that they wouldn't go soft.

"Whatever." Prussia was now pouring some of the gel-like substance onto his fingers and rubbing them together. "At least the stimulation will keep us hard now."

"Yeah, theoretically," America gritted his teeth as he felt his friend's fingers prod at his backside while his other friend's mouth approached his penis. "God this is still so weird." Ducking his head into the crook of his elbow, America did as Prussia had suggested earlier and pretended that it was England now licking the head of his cock.

"Damn, have you ever bottomed before?" Prussia asked as he shoved two of his fingers into America's ass. "I didn't think you would be so tight."

"Why would you think about that anyway?" America said, suppressing a jolt as he was penetrated. "It's not my first time, it's just been a while."

Denmark pulled back for a moment to chime in. "Your dick tastes like sexual repression."

"That doesn't even make sense!" America snapped, looking down to glare at the Dane, but instead grimaced at the sight of one of his best friends giving him head and opted to go back to imagining it was England. "I think we should all just stop talking. It'll make it easier to pretend I'm having sex with someone else."

"That's something I can get behind," Prussia conceded, probing a third finger into America's entrance. "Well, aside from you."

America grunted at the odd pressure in his backside. "No more innuendoes, okay? With you, it's a turn-off."

"Like your starched underwear wasn't a turn-off," Denmark interjected from the floor, stroking himself as he imagined that it was Norway's cock pulsing in his mouth.

"Shut up!"

"Let's all shut up," Prussia commanded, attempting to be the reasonable one. To America, he added, "Are you ready? Actually, never mind. I'll answer that for you."

"Hey, wai—" America's protests were cut off by the sudden feeling of Prussia's fingers being pulled out and quickly replaced by something much warmer that thrust into him in one rough movement. "Ow! Jesus Christ, dude, not so rough!" America complained as he pushed back using the wall as leverage and tried to keep his knees from buckling.

"Don't be such a pussy," Prussia groused, not waiting for a response before he was pulling out and pushing himself back inside. He gripped America's hips tightly to help set a fast and furious rhythm. He didn't need to imagine anything; he could get off purely on the knowledge that he was dominating someone.

Denmark momentarily halted his sucking to look up at Prussia in disdain. "Seriously though, it's awfully hard to suck America off when you're jostling him like that."

"God damn, fine!" Prussia said, focusing on snapping his own hips back and forth instead of man-handling America. He wouldn't be able to cum as quickly like that, but at least it would stop his two friends from bitching.

"Thank you," America huffed. The room was silent save for the sounds of sex for several minutes, each member of the threesome involved in their own mental imaginings. Denmark did his best to keep America's hips steady with his hands so that he wouldn't be choked when Prussia's thrusting caused America to practically drive his dick down his throat.

"A-ah….mmmm—oooh," America moaned. "England! Yeah, your mouth is so good!"

Denmark immediately pulled his mouth away at the same moment that Prussia stilled inside of America's entrance.

"Okay, what the fuck?" Prussia said more like a statement than a question.

America ceased his panting to regard the man behind and below him in turn. "Why'd you guys stop?"

"Can you please not moan England's name while I'm giving you head? That's not a mental image I want to have," Denmark explained.

"Prussia said we could imagine who we wanted!" America said indignantly.

"Yeah, _imagine!_" Prussia punctuated his words by renewing his thrusting. "Just don't say it out loud. That's fucking gross to think about."

"Well sor-ry!" America huffed again. "I couldn't help it. It just kinda came out without me realizing."

Denmark once again took hold of America's length, wrinkling his nose at the pre-cum beading at the tip. "If _you _cum without realizing it and warning me, I'm going to bite your dick off."

America gulped, feeling sweat form on his forehead for reasons other than the exertion. "Okay, okay, understood. Just…I'm getting close, so please keep going?"

Denmark shrugged before taking America back into his mouth, bobbing his head in time with the strokes of his hand and honestly hoping to end the whole thing as quickly as possible. It had been a terrible idea from the start and no matter how hard he tried to imagine that it wasn't two of his best friends that he was with, it wasn't working out as well as he would have hoped.

Trying to ignore the way America was still moaning England's name into his fist, Prussia continued to pump in and out of the other nation's body at a rapid pace. He could tell that America was close to cumming and he focused desperately on the sexiest images he could imagine instead of the young nation's panting. It worked, and after several more minutes Prussia found himself ejaculating inside of America's ass, aiming the stream of cum right onto America's prostate. This in turn triggered America's orgasm, which happened before he could so much as moan England's name one more time (to the relief of Prussia and the irritation of Denmark).

The whole situation could have turned out rather well in the end if it weren't for the fact that America had cum without warning Denmark first and, true to his word, as soon as the Nordic nation felt an unexpected rush of hot, salty liquid bursting into his throat, he bit down. America cried out form the sudden pain and tried to jerk backwards away from the source, surprising Prussia—who was still directly behind America and recovering from his orgasm—and ended up toppling both of them backwards onto the floor.

"Ow ow ow fucking ow what the fuck mother cock-sucking bitch!" America let out a stream of profanities as his softening dick was ripped from between Denmark's teeth and he landed on Prussia, who let out his own curses both at the fact that America's rather heavy body was painful and because he had hit his head roughly on the floor as he fell.

Denmark looked on in amusement as he watched his two friends fall and made a mental note to have a conversation later with Germany on the merits of schadenfreude. "You guys are both such idiots," he noted as he looked down in disappointment at his own penis, realizing that all the action had completely gotten him out of the mood. "That was the worst sex I've ever had and I was the one least involved."

Prussia groaned in agony and shoved uselessly at America. "Dude, get off me! You're fucking heavy and damaging my everything!"

"How do you think I feel?" America demanded tearfully, rolling off the side to relieve the ex-nation. "My dick just got made into a midnight snack!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Denmark said with an eye roll. "You're hardly something I would ever want to snack on. I didn't want you in my mouth in the first place."

"You know," Prussia started as he sat up gingerly and massaged the back of his head, "I don't usually admit that I'm wrong, but I can't say that this was the best idea I've ever had."

"This was the _worst_ idea you've ever had!" America claimed as he cradled his vital regions with his hands, their argument covering the sounds of America's front door opening.

"At least the two of you got to cum!" Denmark scoffed. "I went soft the moment I got a taste of America's fountain of youth."

"Urgh," America grumbled, using the coffee table as leverage to pull himself to his feet. "Let's just all pretend like this never happened and agree to never tell a soul. It would be so embarrassing if this got out."

"Agreed," Prussia and Denmark said immediately, following America's example by getting to their feet and searching around the room for where they had left their clothing, oblivious to the other person that had just walked into the room.

"Ohonhon, what do we have here? I'm offended that you had all the fun without me, mes amis."

* * *

**Happy fucking birthday, America! And happy birthday fucking (or getting fucked, as it were).**


End file.
